I may have gone crazy. My drive has risen exponentially and I cannot stop writing. I feel great and I hate and love everything. Nothing is clear. Everything is present. I can feel my soul screaming. I am waking up.
My name is Shan and as I write this I am crying. These tears are full of pain, hate, and anger. I have lost my way and forget who I am. All I want, all I Fucking want is to be free. Free from the lying. Free from the insecurity. Free from the stress. Free from the darkness. Free from the terror that has invaded my heart. I cry like a Shan, I cry as me. My soul is flaring up. My soul is alive. The only hate I have is for the weight that I carry when I try to live. Because I try. I do not live. I do not eat. I do not even love. I am an empty pile of meat just waiting for his first shit in the morning. I am you. My soul speaks to me. My soul screams for me to wake up. I swear. I swear on my soul I will wake up. I do not want to be scared anymore. I want life to fill my blood, to corrode my bones, to shift every sensation I have. I normally don't know, I constantly don't know. Not this time. My ambition, my drive, my heart mother fucker. My heart is crying out to me. Wake up Shan. Wake the Fuck up.
I picture myself on a cliff and there is someone behind me. I know this person to be my past, but I do not want to accept it anymore. So I jump. I fall forever into an infinite pool of bliss. Then I land. I am onstage. There is an audience but they are invisible. They are waiting. I see a microphone and I pick it up. All the lights go off and a spotlight hits my eyes. I am blind and I try to speak, but my throat croaks up dirt. I am dry. I am nothing. My soul is screaming at me. Finally, I speak, but nothing comes out, silence. The spotlight cuts and I see a mirror in the darkness. I see me smiling, I see me laughing. I start to cry again. It all goes dark.
The lights come on and I am in a helicopter above a city no one has ever visited but me. I am flying around looking for my destination. I am lost. I see my house and I jump. The helicopter disappears as I fall, like a ton of bricks, home. I am home, but this is not my home, this has to be Hell. I am in pain in this place. I recognize, the couch and the table. I am terrified as I shake. Fuck you, I am in a nightmare. I see blood dripping, my own. My father appears and walks over to me with a large jar of my blood. He is smiling. I am enraged. He turns his back and I smell something burning. He approaches me with a red hot poker. The rest of my family is in the other room with their heads down, waiting. I scream for him to stop. I tell him "if you love me, you will let me be free, you will let me go." He slaps me and grabs my lip. I am binded and as I struggle my arms and legs get stretched and I hear a crack. I scream out in pain. My father brings the red hot poker to my lip and inscribes the family name into my flesh, into my soul. I start to cry again and pass out.
I wake up outside in dirty shaggy clothes. I see a kid with a helmet and a suit playing with toys in the mud. I stand with this kid and look up at the sky. The sky is cloudy and it starts to rain. I feel my tears again, but it is from the sky, the planet is crying. I feel weak and blood is dripping all over this body, but the rain is cleaning me. I close my eyes and smile. I have escaped, I am free.
I wake up. I know I am really awake because my head hurts and my eyes are ready to cry again. My soul is waiting for me. Wake up Shan. Wake up.
