The 5 Typical Types of Men and Women (That people try to ignore)

• This is a special article cowritten by a friend from Project Isia. We had submitted this article to Cracked hoping to get it on the frontpage but instead received some insightful crtiscim. Rather, I punched a wall while the other writer laughed. Everyone's a critic. I rarely give up and the summer is just about to start so I will definitley be trying to get an article on Cracked again.

Till then please enjoy our take on typical Men and Women:

When it comes to males and females socially mingling together sexual tension tends to creep up like a call from your grandmother with Alzheimer. Many stereotypes may come to mind during these times from the creppy old man to the quiet but deadly female. However, to save time and pity we have listed five stereotypes from each sex. Some sexual characteristics may sound more familiar then others, which is good. The average human deals with stereotypes every day. So relax and rejoice if you relate to one or more of these. Unless you know, you happen to be homosexual.

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First: The 5 Types of Men

The Dreamer

I am so in control of my life

This is the typical man that seems to live his entire life within himself. The world, along with women, may pass him by because he knows exactly when and how he wants to meet his girl, the only problem is that it will probably never happen. He sees his life much like the unrealistic relationships in movies. Basically, he sees himself going up to the perfect girl and doing something spectacular to impress her, or he may believe that the girl of his dreams may come up to him and sweep him off his feet. Another problem is that he has already made up his mind over what this dream girl will look like. He may see a girl and meet her for ten minutes and imagine in his head exactly who she is and what she is all about, hopefully sex and video games. A serious flaw because more often then not, the reality is very much different from the fantasy. A common problem but easily solved if you just open yourself up to some new and unimaginable ideals, like dating a fat chick.

The Douche

No one is better than me. Screw everyone else

This person does not give a flying fuck about anyone else. He is in this world for one reason: To seduce the opposite sex. He doesn't care how he gets them or how people may view him once he does. This is your friend who steals your girlfriend right after you break up with them, or the person who listens to you talk about one of your crushes and then takes them for himself without you even realizing it at first. He is on a mission and he will stop at nothing to get what is his. More often than not they believe that they are God's gift to women and that they are the best at what they do. The sad thing is that through their ethics they will lose all of their friends (Unless they hang out with other douches, but that would end up with all of them constantly douching each other for eternity) and the girl's who they may have had for awhile will leave them for someone who actually cares. I'm sure you've seen those lonely old guys at the bar who have no one to talk to and look like they have many regrets. Those desperate souls ladies and gentlemen are the end results of being a life long douche.

The Obsessive

I found my God. It's Vanessa

This person loves women almost too much. Once he gets a girlfriend he is the clingiest mother fucker you have ever seen. The girl will seriously control this person without even trying. This may have been your friend who secretly enjoyed that lame Crossroads movie, but told everyone else it sucked donkey balls. One day he gets a girlfriend and all of a sudden it's his new favorite movie, he's buying lame Pop band tickets (And actually memorizing the lyrics) and explains how you just don't understand and have a lot of growing up to do. This person will soon want to do everything with his girlfriend whether it's actually something fun, or something really lame, like hanging out with her in the DMV line because she wanted him to be there. Even when his girlfriend is not by his side not a moment goes by where he doesn't mention her name and how much he misses her to everyone else who does not care. He knows that he will be together, with his goddess, forever and that nothing can ever change between them. However, it is very common for couples to spread apart as time goes by. Usually women are the first to realize this. The relationship can go even more south when your soul mate and one true girlfriend only found you attractive for being different, but now that unique thing about you has turned into an annoyance. The only problem is that you cannot turn it off, it is who you are. So you being you will never argue with her, always agree, and always want to be with her. ALWAYS. To sum this all up the Obsessive will eventually freak out his girlfriend and she will leave. The obsessive will be heartbroken but still tell everyone else that they deserve the "Best boyfriend ever" achievement. They fail to realize that they are literally suffocating every female that comes into their grasps.

The Sensitive

We will always be together, ahhh the sunset!

This is the person who will usually be viewed as mostly a friend than anything else. The girl's will always come to them with their never ending problems and the sensitive will always want to be more than a friend but would never have the courage to say this because he doesn't want to break what they have already formed. We don't even think we need to say where the problems lie in this scenario. Not only will they most likely never become more than a friend, but he will have to constantly watch the woman he loves date guys who he probably hates, like the Douche. It's even worse when she finds "the one" (The Obsessive) and this may cause the sensitive to become border line psychopathic. A scary thought, but haven't you ever wondered why the crazy serial killers got to where they are (Making girls play the violin naked in a forest as they cry bathing in a tub full of honey)? It wasn't because of family issues, or child upbringing problems, oh no the problem was the last girl that crawled all over their weak excuse for a heart.

The Awkward

This picture should explain enough...

This is the person that has so much to say that when the time comes to talk to a girl, they go blank, hence they create weird scenarios with females. They are the masters at killing any good vibe that may have been there originally but after that long awkward silence their placement on the a girls hotness scale has dropped about 99.9 points. That is right, they are like Febreeze to women, except they are not killing germs, they are killing their chances of ever being happy with anyone. You may find these people lost with themselves for most of the time, much like the Dreamer or the Douche, the main difference being that you can tell that they are not comfortable with even being themselves. Does all this even make sense? No, it shouldn't and you know why??? Because these types of guys just don't make sense. Stay away at all costs.

Finally: The 5 Types of Women

Fugly

Choose your poison

There are five types of woman in this world. Some smart guys probably know about this and women all over the world will always deny it. First, let us start with the bottom of the barrel and there is no easy way to describe them except for one word, Fugly. When Fugly is defined you get two words: Fucking and Ugly. When combined a visual image comes to mind and it is not pretty. The good thing about these ladies is that they will sleep with you drunk or not and will eye rape you until you say otherwise. Do not forget that we are talking about the bottom of the barrel females who have been hit with the ugly stick a few times. These girls are why beer goggles were invented. Aside from there looks they may have a great personality and blah-blah, but that is only to suffice for the fact that there is nothing else attractive or interesting about them. A sad truth, but reality gives us all a hard hit to the face every now and then.

The Slut

I bet she has cooties

Who likes to be called a slut? Probably the very few aside from the ones getting payed for it. No, this is the kind of girl you talk about in front of your friends and do not bring home to mom. These types are commonly called whores by their female enemies and loved by hard-on's internationally. They are hot with hopes and dreams, but this stuff can quickly turn in to an annoyance of casual chit-chat before and after doing the business. Not to mention the high risk of disease (HIV) coming from a girl sleeping with a guy for little reason. Of course most men will see these sexy beasts of lust give it up to the wrong guy every five seconds always getting used and abused. Life is hard, is it not? Never to you, because the slut is probably a friend or a friend of a friend who you hear tales from, but never directly because if they gave it up to you, a friend for free; that would make them a whore. Right?

The Bitch

These girls are probably the most desired. That is of course before you hear them speak. They range from Fugly to Hot, but usually the bitcher they are the more attractive they will be. These girls are so full of Shit it is amazing they can even seduce a guy long enough without arguing about some small issue in compatibility. For some, it is enough to handle. A hot chick with a temper from Hell. No biggie. For us, vomiting seems to be a more appropriate reaction to avoid the pitfalls of a loose marriage and a shaky yet consistent sex life. Unless you are prepared or paying for this kind of action from a female, stay away.

Vampire Vagina

Be afraid. So you wake up one morning and it is a particularly beautiful day. Except your girlfriend is a life sucking Vampire Vagina. Basically these women live to suck the life out of every man they come in contact with. Why do they do it? Because they are slowly becoming demons, but they are just not there yet. The upside is that they do provide the one thing men need to be happy, not love, sex. But at a price. They will provide this service for a small fee of your life as they drain it from you day-by-day. Is the juice worth the squeeze? Buy some garlic and find out.

The Succubus

Remember how the Vampire Vagina is slowly becoming a demon? The Succubus is that very evil. A powerful force which enslaves a man for his soul. These ladies are fully equipped with advanced seduction skills. Did we mention that they are fully fit for penis destruction? Unless you like it kinky, look out. We would advise you poor weak individuals to stay away, but they are so good at what they do it is near impossible to find them. The best thing any sane man can do is ask his best friend if his clingy over-enthusiastic girlfriend is just a little full of herself and trying to steal your soul. We shall wait here and see how often that comes up in a conversation.

In the end, all these different types of men and women can be enough to drive a sane person crazy. God is probably laughing right now as another stereotypical person is born. What it all comes down to is that in our crazy messed up little heads we desire different types of people everyday. So technically, we create these stereotypes as we constantly long for something better. We just never have enough time or energy to discover them all or figure this out. Whats worse is that in the real world there are more types of people than the eyes of God can see who have worse issues then we can list. There is no real way to prepare for the Hellish people of this world. There is really only one thing to do. Suck it up and accept it.