Temptations and Thoughts

 I come home Friday night. Alone. I am mean spirited, whatever that means, and tired as all Hell. I spent the past hour attempting to buy *Insert your imagination* legally (always felt that mattered), failing (they closed), then regretting it. Not to mention, trying to drive to an open mic to prove, to someone, I am working hard on my comedy career. But it just becomes a stupid yelling game in my car of "FUCK, FUCK IT!" Unlike rising comics, I am still not there yet. My time will come.

 Luckily, I go for a dip in my hot tub to relax. It is very soothing and I remember the night Eric, Lana and me star gazed. So I do the same (or as best you can in the suburbs) and then a red dot escapes my nose. I am bleeding profusely... a bloody stream has started unexpectedly. I rush inside and it is one of my worst and unexpected releases, but it goes down quickly. I settle for the night by sticking a plastic tube up my butt. Because I have hemorrhoids, at 24. I did before, and now they are back again. It is very uncomfortable and my lower body bubbles in any word that is the opposite of excitement. I try to watch a movie and pass out. My only entertainment for the week and I can barely focus. I awake this morning to finish it and end up crying near the end. Crying to an old movie I have seen before. Crying to the past. Crying to let go. Crying in an empty house to empty memories. Although, that sounds more poetic than it is. I have no real lost memories. My father didn't beat me and my mother didn't hate me. My family supported me as much as any modern-day-support of bears and tigers do. Shitty analogies are shit. My stomach is empty and my heart is full up on unfulfilled dreams and such temptations and thoughts for the misunderstandings and perceptions of this world. I have my anchor so I am more well adjusted these days (sun and moon). The sun guides me during the day and the moon protects at night. Always. As long as my heart beats. I will smile. I hate writing. Back to work.