Smile More

"Smile more Shan." 

Something I have heard over and over like a hammer beating a nail. I ignored this simple truth, be present with myself and give back to the life that like a clock is counting down. When I was a freshman in high school I made a friend called Jason. I remember when the school bell rang for lunch and I was excited to finally have someone to hang out with. I ran over to him in my long white socks and ashy legs to say, "Hi Jason." He muttered back, "stop smiling faggot." I frowned, he was my best friend, my only friend. I continued to frown constantly from then on. More pain etched into my heart and old wounds opened up. Old wounds from my past...

Back in elementary school I saw two boys holding hands for recess and I ran over to them and said "why are you holding hands guys? Are you gay?" "Fucking smart ass Shan" they replied. I retorted, "No, just curious." "Stop smiling about it asshole, we're telling." "No, guys, no!" An honest question and I was now scared. I had no idea I would offend them and I said it with a smile that had now turned into a frown. They told on me and I now had to face the principal's wrath of "Shan, stop smiling and be serious, this is not a joke. Homosexuality is serious, are you homophobic?" "homo what sir? I am sorry, I'm just a happy person and I am confused, what's wrong with being gay?" I got Hell for that, for years to come. Sure, my high school buddy Jason didn't know what he said would open up an old wound and bury me for years, but it did.

I understand that we all go through trials and challenges. The truth in life, to my understanding is simple. Be present in life. There is no past or future. To be honest, there is no time. We exist to live to our full potential and then die. I desire to die proudly, on my feet, and happy. I will do that with my past behind me, my future in front of me, and the present brought by clear attention and focus. Let's not forget desire by that beating heart as the blood rushes throughout the entire body like a living organism that does not exist in time, but in space. Kinda like a tree, but I prefer to be a mountain. Rising above to hangout with the clouds in peace.