Stupid Man Has a Thought

My car swerves back and forth as my wake up call. I am awake and I hate myself. Oh, happy birthday. Today I am still young and in the back of my vehicle my mouth taste like freeze dried cigarettes. I slept the whole night in here and across from a beach near L.A. This morning, for my birthday present, I hop out and piss as my Kia swerves more. I don't really mind the motion, but my head is pounding. I put on a clean shirt I received from a show last night and drive over to the beach. I notice the beauty of the ocean and right before the sun rises, there are no words for the peace. The water is thrusting back and forth and then something beautiful happens. Two dolphins pop out and swim across my view of the water. My birthday present. It was alright and a bit lame, but it made me cry. The tears never came out, but it felt like a gift from Earth. Somehow seeing these two stupid dolphins made me feel connected to the planet, to these people, and to what life I had left in myself.

I normally hate myself and just the other night, months after this birthday, I realized I am absolutely terrified of women. It took booze and a night of watching one of my favorite comedians live to come to this conclusion. I hate being scared, it is so weak. Funny thing, I love women, sex, love, hugs, smiles, and green fucking apples. I am not evil or wicked. I do not like hurting people or crying for the sake of crying. I love people who smile and connect with others. I love good relationships and strong human beings who help one another. Then there is me. I am so terrified of women, I hate them, myself, and my reflection. I hate things for the longest time. I used to step on my shadow as a kid, just out of spite. "WAKE UP SHAN, PUSSY, CAN'T GET LAID, SCARED BOY, WEAK, YOUR WEAK." Or something like that. I hate how I don't even feel sexist anymore, just fear, and I hate this fear. I feel so strong, so bold, and when this weakness hits me, like a cold, I shutter. A beautiful girl will walk over in some made up example and say hello. I will stare for the longest time and negative emotions wrapped in poop will start to form. I digress as my buddy Eric looks over my shoulder as I type this and we laugh. I am a happy man and probably sane. I will get over this fear and respect humans with the integrity and meaning I have for myself, family, friends, and of course for the future of my sperm. Honestly, if I am like this now, how could I bring a kid into this world with a woman I do not fully respect? I could do it, people do it all the time and get upset, divorced, or worse. I will not do that. I will copulate with the best intentions and a strong heart. Anyways, I need to poop.

Fridays are cold

This is the blog that no one reads. I like that. It is like being in the desert, the digital version. All these lost souls online but not one to connect with. My mother woke me up this morning. A phone call by my computer. I did not answer of course as my time with her has come to an end. I hate her and I am not afraid to say it. I feel like growing with my family was an odd form of prison. What I mean to say is, routine. We had routines. Wake up -> Get yelled at. Come home -> Get yelled at. Go to sleep -> Depressed. My dreams were amazing though. I would float, fly, and dive into adventures. Escape from this place that I called home. Family, sucks, not much else to it. My family is fine, they are not hurtful, physically. We are weak and useless beings. I do not choose to be like that again... depressed and angry. I do not wish to hate anything but hate. So I hate my mom, because I hate that part of the tree and I also embrace it.

Love is a funny word for this post. I feel it is an invisible word, untraceable. You can find it almost anywhere though. The way my cat meows at the window to come inside brings love into my heart for instance. Small forms of stability. I am lonely, but I am not depressed, I am balanced and very happy. Balance is another funny word. Who is to say what is and what is not with balance? I can never confirm such a thing. Who can?

Lastly, my comedy. It has improved exponentially. I am alone in this world, but that is a lie. I have a comedian partner... a friend. Together we progress, like a family. My comedy has grown and stage performance has changed vastly. I love comedy, it is my therapy. I will never stop. I lie again. I will stop one day. People die and live. Balance.