This Year 2012

I trust these words will be full of anger, pain, and a bit of passion. Listening to the Pink Floyd album The Dark Side of the Moon for the first time my fingers cannot stop typing...

Good Intro on this album

I tried to foolishly cure myself this year, 2012. I was raised in a family where I believed in the end of the world to be this year. My father wrote a poem about the end of the world and out of lack of interest in a normal life as a child I was intrigued. I spiraled into a self-loathing world of my own. My mentality was that the world was going to end when I grow up, so who cares? I grew up very cynical, afraid, depressed, and eager for the end. Suicidal thoughts were always a normal splendor of thought. I hated people who were happy or didn't believe me. I thought going to college was stupid or thinking about the future was pointless. Will all just die anyways, who cares? Bastards! Fools! Slowly a bit of stress hit my abdomen and stayed with me year after year. Growing stronger and weighing me down, especially my decisions and direction.

Loving the album right now

Depression and an invisible shell from life became my life. Inside, my eternal world, was decaying and laughing at me. I hated myself. Mirrors and reflections taunted me. My thoughts: Go die! Die already! Who cares! Fuck it and Fuck you! Anger and rage is all I wanted to know when things upset me. Anything about happiness or pursuing life to it's fullest. I can't do that, no one can. We are born for one thing, to die. Something my father told me when I asked him long ago. So I lived depressed as I second guessed my nature. If my inner world has a color it is black and blue with shades of red and grey. Beautiful, honestly. Dark and decrepit. As I grew older happy people and success continually bugged me. Progress upset me. Cute animals, kids, life sucked. Fuck you life! Screw you world! God? Fuck God. Strike my ignorance down now and kill me. 

I am in space with the sounds of Pink Floyd

I never died, just cried. My family got annoyed with me and people around me did not want to deal with me. So I was alone, I was always better off alone. At least a familiar face I can trust to screw the day up was by my side. A comfort. The tensity in my abdomen grew to a mental shake visible all over my body. My head lowered to the ground and my lips shaped a daily frown. Then I forget and just tried to live life. Sadly, life sucks (second time). People are mean and unforgiving. Friends do not want to help and everyone cares about themselves, especially me. Plus like my family told me, I am not crazy or helpless. Grow up Shan. I started to care about myself from time to time and felt selfish. I would see a girl I liked and yell at myself later for staring or hit myself and bite my lips. I got used to building rage and punching walls. I would push to upset people and loath in the glory of the self-hatred brought from it all. 

This music has pulled me into a peaceful orbit

Death, destruction, mayhem, and chaos are my beautiful girlfriends. Now I write all this in a past tense as if I am finished with it all. If only. I foolishly believed, now in 2012, I was done with all this. The world will not end. I have not escaped my history, better yet, I have ran my miles on the treadmill and track. I have sweated past all my insecurities to be where I am now. Naturally, still some miles to go. With all my strengths, all my confidence, I am nothing. Just a fool. I cannot escape the invisible hour of now. The present. I can only face my past and my future right here. It is not a sad truth, but I cannot deny the difficulty. My only peace is that I don't know. I don't know. 

My mind is blank and the beat is corroding my mind

I really do not have a conclusion or even a beginning for that matter. I just understand every day I fight to escape the pain of depression that bastard jumps on my back and rapes me till I break. I do have one last sentence. Live life and accept your truth, then go die.